no. i’m not okay. but i can’t remember a time when i haven’t felt this way. people so often talk about how they wish they were kids without a care in the world again, but i can’t even relate to that. it’s always been like this, from the first time i had an anxiety attack as a child. i know there are moments, shorter spans of time, when i don’t constantly want to die, when i don’t feel like an empty shell with nothing inside of me, when i don’t feel like i’m not an actual person who has to to be under the influence of others’ moods and personalities to know how to act and behave. but when i’m not in those moments it just feels like i’ve been pretending all along. how can you be okay when you don’t feel like a person? how can you trust yourself? how can you see a future, how can you set goals? how can you keep friends? i push everyone away because i know how awful i am and then feel betrayed when they leave and prove me right.
maybe there is a real me somewhere deep inside of me. maybe that’s what keeps me going. but the last time i started feeling better i really thought i was done with feeling the way i am feeling right now. i thought i was getting better for real this time, and now it all feels useless. i try to fight my depression but it’s hard to find motivation to stay afloat when i know the drowning is coming sooner or later again. it doesn’t matter what i do, because it never actually gets better. there are just small breaks from the inevitable sickness. and lately i feel like i’m not even sure why that would be worth fighting for anymore.
it doesn’t even matter if i talk to someone because i’m still the one who has to find the answers, and after spending my whole life searching for them, i keep coming up short.
Snälla, bli min igen
Nej, låt det va som i en film
GQ is like that one super attractive straight guy friend you have who lets you sit on his lap when you’re at happy hour.